- Megan Ducky
- I snort when I laugh. I don't sleep much. Music is my life. I'm extremely clumsy. John Mayer is the love of my life. So is Batman. I'm Mormon. I have a slight obsession with mustaches. I blog because I can. I say what I think when I think it. My sense of humor often gets me in trouble. I love adventures. I get lost constantly.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I am so ready to have this semester done and over with.
This semester has been a real learning experience in many ways.
Last semester, I had just turned 17, it was my first time away from home, I took 18 credits, and I was so shy. (No really, I was shy.)
I grew SO much during that semester. It was literally the perfect semester for me. I made incredible friends, aced my classes, and proved to myself (and everyone else) that I could handle what came my way in life.
This semester things have not been the same. Not so much.
See, over the summer a lot of things changed. Actually everything changed.
My friendship with my best friend ended.
My other friendships were different because I went home for the summer.
I was by myself at home for most of the summer, while my friends were still in SLC, at camps, working, or other various things.
I was hurting, I was sad, and I felt very alone for several months.
My healing path started when I was forced by my mother to go on a camping trip with my singles ward (what am I, 13??) and I ended up having an incredible time and coming out of my shell.
I made friends with the people that I had been going to church with for two months. I told you...I'm shy!
Anyway, with new friends and things to do...needless to say my summer became exponentially more entertaining.
I was able to connect with people again. For the most part I had been a zombie since I had left SLC, because I wanted to stay there and had a hard time adjusting to what I didn't want.
I'm thankful now for going back and staying the summer because the people I know are amazing, and I love them and they're some of the best people I have ever met. Ever.
Coming back to Salt Lake was difficult for me.
Literally every aspect of my life here had changed.
Many friends were gone, many weren't friends anymore, and others were too busy for me.
My school load was 17 credits but all of the classes were hard and I was unprepared for the workload.
I felt alone, I felt stupid, and I felt overwhelmed.
When the Lord brings us to the floor its so that we can look up and rely on Him again. That's what happened to me this semester.
I have never felt so humbled and so awful in my life. The first two months of the semester I was stuck in zombie mode again. After Nate, my trust was shattered in most people, especially my friends. My first semester I was quite the naive one. I am the type of person that just loves, and I thought that everyone loved me back just as much. Well with many friendships that is true, and those people are still around. But for many others that was/is not true, and I had a hard time dealing with that. In many ways I'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of person.
So coming back this semester I told myself, "Self! I'm not going to trust a single person. I'm going to keep everyone at arm's distance, and I am not going to let myself get hurt again. Things didn't work out last semester by being so open and friendly, so obviously I should just close myself off to all people that know me enough to hurt me." Not true. Closing people off just made it worse, and I sunk into this spiral of destruction.
It wasn't the best semester, it's been hard and horrible, but I've needed it.
I needed the encouragement last semester, and this semester I needed to be humbled and reminded of who really knows whats best for me.
Once you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up right? Exactly right.
And I did start back up again.
I can't pinpoint where it changed exactly, but all I know is I'm different. Again. I'm balanced. I was a child last semester, a grumpy and jaded old lady for much of this semester...and now I'm...I'm neither and I'm both. I trust people and I let them in, but I know my limits and I don't abandon them. I'm me. I'm back, but I'm improved.
I'm still learning everyday, and that's good.
I'm smiling for no reason again, I'm laughing like crazy with people, and I'm just loving my life.
My heart is functioning and beating strong:)
I'm grateful for my loves.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my school.
I'm even grateful for my heinous finance class (which I'm probably failing. I've never failed anything so this pisses me off. But that's a whole nother blog post.)
I'm at peace.
The people that are in my life, whether permanently, briefly, or not at all, they're here for a reason. I'm only beginning to see why some are still here, and why some needed to leave.
But it's ok. Life is as unpredictable as anything, but it's worth every minute.
I would never want to repeat this semester, but I'm glad it happened.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...its never as bad as you think it is. When life gets too hard to stand, fall on your knees and pray. He's your best friend and He will never leave you. People come, people go, but don't ever lose your faith. God is great, love is good, and life is beautiful.
Smile by Charlie Chaplin, look it up and pay attention to the lyrics. That's helped me through a lot. Trust.
Someone smiling through life.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Some people are blessed to have a best friend. I am blessed to have many. I am going to dedicate a post to each of my best friends. This one goes to Jenni Allene Clark, or as I like to call her...Jennallene.
She is my munchkin friend, she is my Batman fanatic friend, and she is just amazing.
When we hang out, we laugh more than anything, talk about everything, and we're always up to something.
We met in January 2010, in our Communications class and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. We officially introduced ourselves on Monday at FHE. Having not talked much when we met in class Thursday, at first we didn't have much to say. But one thing led to another and we decided to become "gossip buddies" haha, and so we did.
Class on Tuesday was more fun now that we knew each other and it just grew from there. We hung out probably errday that semester after that.
We have been friends through thick and thin and we were even long distance friends for a bit when I went home for the summer and she stayed in Utah.
I watched her entire relationship with Chauncey ( who I call The Chaunce) from the first date, to them becoming engaged, and when they get married (in 78 days, but who's counting??) I will be there causing a ruckus as usual ;)
I love you Jenni Clark. We talk about everything and don't have any problems bickering like sisters sometimes haha. You are the best for advice and I trust you a ton. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm glad we're best friends even though you won't tell me your one awkward story. Phooey. But other than that! You're awesome. You're the best!
I think you're kinda cool...we should be friends or something like that. Ya think?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Some days, I get enormous amounts of homework done and I still have time for some social life.
Some days, you wake up happy, you stay happy, and then you go to sleep happy.
Some days, the weather is absolutely horrible...and its ok.
Some days, you have to sit back and count your blessings.Some days, you feel your Savior's love for you, stronger than you can imagine.
Some days, you connect with your friends again.
Some days, you laugh until you cry a little bit.
Some days, you laugh at really inappropriate things.
Some days, you count down until you can see you family again.
Some days, you just want to dance around.
Some days, you listen to Vivaldi and don't feel even slightly embarrassed (He's fabulous ok??)
Some days, are just good.
Well today has not been one of those days. Its been all of those days. So my advice is don't sit and wait for those "somedays" that might come in the future. Embrace the day you have right now. Make that day the some day that you want. Put some sunshine in the middle of that blizzard. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile, that makes YOU happy. That's my motto for life and it's a good one of I do say so myself. ;)
A slightly misplaced California girl. :)
(Best thing about Utah though? FALL!)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Of all the weapons in the world, caring for someone should be the #1.
It's already well known that I don't trust people.
But there's many reasons for that, that people don't know and never will know.
It's days like this that just reaffirm my actions of holding people at arms length.
Because now I'm bitter.
I say I trust you but I really don't because I know in the end everybody leaves.
Sure I trust people, but I don't trust them with much, because I learned the hard way that most people aren't trustworthy at all in in a lot of ways.
So now it's ok to me when someone leaves because chances are I wasn't feeling enough about the friendship to be hurt or sad.
I just shrug my shoulders and write them off.
I don't feel anything about people anymore.
Some might be surprised by this because they feel close to me but chances are I definitely don't feel the same about you.
If we were close you would know.
To those that think they know me, all I can say is that I can fake a smile better than anybody because I've been practicing my whole life.
You don't know anything because frankly I don't want you knowing things about my life, my family, or what's going on in my mind.
I don't care, people have to prove themselves to me.
I haven't cried in over a month...it's probably time for a breakdown soon.
Sadly, this is actually me getting better.
I'm feeling more than I was two months ago.
It's just one day at a time, baby-steps.
But today my wall flew back up faster than you can say horchata.
I'm back to a zero-emotions zombie.
People can tell when my wall first goes back up but they can't tell when it goes down.
If I start trusting just one person, I ease up a little with everyone else.
But then that person breaks that trust and screws it up for the others.
So many people tell me they don't know how I can go around not trusting anyone or that I should just suck it up and let people in.
I avoid closeness because I have to. It's my survival instinct. I can't just 'suck it up' because its so much more than that.
Yeah. I'm messed up. But I'm dealing with it. I'm getting better. I'm not good yet and maybe I'll never fully be back to the childlike naivete I have had for much of my life...but that's my problem. Not yours. So don't try and fix me with all the problems you have yourself.
You can't change the past.
You can't change other people.
You can't change anything about me.
You can only change yourself.
So while I work on myself, you work on you and we'll get along just fine.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
1. I am always reading something. I am in the middle of 800 books.
2. I don't sleep.
3. I miss more people than I can count on my fingers.
4. Music is playing 24/7 in this mind.
5. I've kind of always wanted to be a drummer.
6. I watch old movies a lot.
7. I don't trust people anymore.
8. I am a closeted writer and blogger.
9. Take me camping and I might love you forever.
10. California girl through and through.
11. I like taking midnight walks through my city.
12. My roommate is from Chile and we're completely opposite. But we get along really well(:
13. I am always the little sister in every group of friends.
14. I graduated high school after sophomore year.
15. Almost all of my best friends have met their future spouses.
16. I find it hard to resist boys that have accents or can play an instrument really well.
17. Verbal banter is essential. If I can't joke with you I won't hang with you. End of story.
18. I have never dyed my hair.
19. I have never been to a circus, a concert, or the Academy Awards.
20. I am sarcastic to a fault.
21. I'm 5'11".
22. I am almost 18.
23. I do not hang out with people my own age. Never have, probably not gonna start real soon.
24. I understand guys more than I understand girls. I blame growing up with a brother.
25. I can talk cars with you until your ears fall off.
26. California boys are freakin sexy. I can pick one out in a crowd. Try me.
27. I have an unhealthy obsession with Batman. Ever since I was little he has been my favorite.
28. I have had my heart broken badly.
29. I have 6 siblings--all older than me--4 brothers and 2 sisters. I have about 500 adopted siblings.
30. I am OCD about spelling. I hate misspelling things.
31. My nephew is the cutest thing in my life.
32. I love my school and religion. LDSBC Lions for life!!
33. Perfect outfit = Band tee, comfy jeans, and Vans.
34. My roommate is teaching me how to be girly-er. Hahaha
35. Before school I hated peanut butter. Now I will seriously eat it right out of the container. Darn you college!
36. I like curling my hair everyday.
37. I am done with dating boys right now. They have cooties. Boys as friends are totally fine.
38. I'm kind of vain about my hair. I really love it.
39. I don't cry if I can help it. I can count on one hand how many people I have broken down in front of.
40. I am a perfectionist but only towards myself. I hold myself to a standard that I can't always reach.
41. I have loved and lost many friends.
42. My guard = up all day everyday.
43. When I like a guy it's usually because he reminds me of a movie star I love. Like Jimmy Stewart, or Marlon Brando, or Zac Efron. Haha
44. It may not sound like it but I am actually an optimist. But I am also a realist. I'm not as naive as I once was.
45. I love my brown, white, yellow, red, off-white, and orange people.
46. I believe I can be friends with anyone. I don't judge people for their mistakes or for their circumstances.
47. I laugh practically every time I breath. I like to make other people laugh too(:
48. I don't care what people think of me anymore. It's none of my business anyway.
49. I plan to live in every major city in the U.S. for a few months each and several non-major cities.
50. People call me Ducky. You should too.(: