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I snort when I laugh. I don't sleep much. Music is my life. I'm extremely clumsy. John Mayer is the love of my life. So is Batman. I'm Mormon. I have a slight obsession with mustaches. I blog because I can. I say what I think when I think it. My sense of humor often gets me in trouble. I love adventures. I get lost constantly.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I remember us.

Have you ever had a close friend?
Have you ever had a best friend?
I have.
Have you ever had a friend leave you?
Have you ever had a friend end your friendship?
I have.
Any kind of end is sad. But when it's someone that is that close to you its the worst pain imaginable.
The only things I can think of to say to this person is...you left. YOU left. You were my best friend. You were my confidant. When I had a problem I came to you. When I was happy I told you first. When I was sad you knew when no one else could. I told you things I've never told anyone. Things that I've only ever told my mother.
You left.
You saw me cry. You made me laugh. You listened when I was a stupid girl. You gave advice like no one else. You were there for me.
Or at least I thought you were.
You were my best friend. You knew you were. You said I was your best friend. I loved you. I thought you loved me.
You weren't my boyfriend. We weren't a couple. But I was closer to you than I have ever been to any guy. You and I were almost twins sometimes.
I still remember the jokes. I remember the laughs. I remember the stress of our classes. I remember going places with the group. I remember going to your house and joking with your brother. I remember having a crush on your brother. I remember telling you about the boys I liked and you telling me about girls you liked. I remember you wanting to beat up "Loser Face" haha. I remember the talks at the cafe or JB's. I remember being as close as two people can be.
I remember us.
But I can't.
There is no us anymore. There is no friendship. There is no pals. There are no phone calls until we fall asleep. There are no good morning texts.
There. Is. Nothing.
You broke my heart. You know what you did. And I'm done. I am moving on.
Everyday I erase you a little bit more. It's not easy. Everywhere I go holds a memory for me.
Memories are the hardest to let go of. We haven't spoken in several months.
I don't know how you are, I don't know where you are. I haven't seen you at school and I'm glad.
I can't let you do this to me again. I don't want to hear your story if I ever see you again. I don't want to talk to you.
I am done.
You know what you did. You knew me well enough to know how I would feel. Thanks to you I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't. I physically can't. I don't let people in. You knew that. You got through that somehow. I let my defenses down for this friendship. I won't make that mistake twice. You have successfully ruined any future friendship and several current ones.
You know how hard it was for me to be that vulnerable. I can count on my fingers how many people I have let see me cry. You are one of them and I don't like that.
So that's how things are now. If you thought I had trust issues before, you wouldn't recognize me now. I'm not bitter, I've grown up. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes.
But you're done. You are just a chapter in my life story that is written and finished.
We can never go back to the way things were, because simply it starts with this:
You left. You ended it. And I am picking up the pieces.

1 comment:

  1. First off, is this about who I think it's about?
    Secondly, I really like how raw these emotions are and yet they're expressed so honestly and almost poetically. You're a good writer, Ducky Dear.