About Me

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I snort when I laugh. I don't sleep much. Music is my life. I'm extremely clumsy. John Mayer is the love of my life. So is Batman. I'm Mormon. I have a slight obsession with mustaches. I blog because I can. I say what I think when I think it. My sense of humor often gets me in trouble. I love adventures. I get lost constantly.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks!!!

So you may have guessed...this semester only has two weeks left!!!
I am so ready to have this semester done and over with.
This semester has been a real learning experience in many ways.
Last semester, I had just turned 17, it was my first time away from home, I took 18 credits, and I was so shy. (No really, I was shy.)
I grew SO much during that semester. It was literally the perfect semester for me. I made incredible friends, aced my classes, and proved to myself (and everyone else) that I could handle what came my way in life.
This semester things have not been the same. Not so much.
See, over the summer a lot of things changed. Actually everything changed.
My friendship with my best friend ended.
My other friendships were different because I went home for the summer.
I was by myself at home for most of the summer, while my friends were still in SLC, at camps, working, or other various things.
I was hurting, I was sad, and I felt very alone for several months.
My healing path started when I was forced by my mother to go on a camping trip with my singles ward (what am I, 13??) and I ended up having an incredible time and coming out of my shell.
I made friends with the people that I had been going to church with for two months. I told you...I'm shy!
Anyway, with new friends and things to do...needless to say my summer became exponentially more entertaining.
I was able to connect with people again. For the most part I had been a zombie since I had left SLC, because I wanted to stay there and had a hard time adjusting to what I didn't want.
I'm thankful now for going back and staying the summer because the people I know are amazing, and I love them and they're some of the best people I have ever met. Ever.
Coming back to Salt Lake was difficult for me.
Literally every aspect of my life here had changed.
Many friends were gone, many weren't friends anymore, and others were too busy for me.
My school load was 17 credits but all of the classes were hard and I was unprepared for the workload.
I felt alone, I felt stupid, and I felt overwhelmed.
When the Lord brings us to the floor its so that we can look up and rely on Him again. That's what happened to me this semester.
I have never felt so humbled and so awful in my life. The first two months of the semester I was stuck in zombie mode again. After Nate, my trust was shattered in most people, especially my friends. My first semester I was quite the naive one. I am the type of person that just loves, and I thought that everyone loved me back just as much. Well with many friendships that is true, and those people are still around. But for many others that was/is not true, and I had a hard time dealing with that. In many ways I'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of person.
So coming back this semester I told myself, "Self! I'm not going to trust a single person. I'm going to keep everyone at arm's distance, and I am not going to let myself get hurt again. Things didn't work out last semester by being so open and friendly, so obviously I should just close myself off to all people that know me enough to hurt me." Not true. Closing people off just made it worse, and I sunk into this spiral of destruction.
It wasn't the best semester, it's been hard and horrible, but I've needed it.
I needed the encouragement last semester, and this semester I needed to be humbled and reminded of who really knows whats best for me.
Once you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up right? Exactly right.
And I did start back up again.
I can't pinpoint where it changed exactly, but all I know is I'm different. Again. I'm balanced. I was a child last semester, a grumpy and jaded old lady for much of this semester...and now I'm...I'm neither and I'm both. I trust people and I let them in, but I know my limits and I don't abandon them. I'm me. I'm back, but I'm improved.
I'm still learning everyday, and that's good.
I'm happy.
I'm smiling for no reason again, I'm laughing like crazy with people, and I'm just loving my life.
I've healed.
My heart is functioning and beating strong:)
I'm grateful for my loves.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my school.
I'm even grateful for my heinous finance class (which I'm probably failing. I've never failed anything so this pisses me off. But that's a whole nother blog post.)
I'm at peace.
The people that are in my life, whether permanently, briefly, or not at all, they're here for a reason. I'm only beginning to see why some are still here, and why some needed to leave.
But it's ok. Life is as unpredictable as anything, but it's worth every minute.
I would never want to repeat this semester, but I'm glad it happened.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...its never as bad as you think it is. When life gets too hard to stand, fall on your knees and pray. He's your best friend and He will never leave you. People come, people go, but don't ever lose your faith. God is great, love is good, and life is beautiful.
Embrace it.
Smile by Charlie Chaplin, look it up and pay attention to the lyrics. That's helped me through a lot. Trust.

Someone smiling through life.