About Me

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I snort when I laugh. I don't sleep much. Music is my life. I'm extremely clumsy. John Mayer is the love of my life. So is Batman. I'm Mormon. I have a slight obsession with mustaches. I blog because I can. I say what I think when I think it. My sense of humor often gets me in trouble. I love adventures. I get lost constantly.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I think I'm allergic to the human species.

A heart isn't something you just mess with.
Of all the weapons in the world, caring for someone should be the #1.
It's already well known that I don't trust people.
But there's many reasons for that, that people don't know and never will know.
It's days like this that just reaffirm my actions of holding people at arms length.
Because now I'm bitter.
I say I trust you but I really don't because I know in the end everybody leaves.
Sure I trust people, but I don't trust them with much, because I learned the hard way that most people aren't trustworthy at all in in a lot of ways.
So now it's ok to me when someone leaves because chances are I wasn't feeling enough about the friendship to be hurt or sad.
I just shrug my shoulders and write them off.
I don't feel anything about people anymore.
Some might be surprised by this because they feel close to me but chances are I definitely don't feel the same about you.
If we were close you would know.
To those that think they know me, all I can say is that I can fake a smile better than anybody because I've been practicing my whole life.
You don't know anything because frankly I don't want you knowing things about my life, my family, or what's going on in my mind.
I don't care, people have to prove themselves to me.
I haven't cried in over a month...it's probably time for a breakdown soon.
Sadly, this is actually me getting better.
I'm feeling more than I was two months ago.
It's just one day at a time, baby-steps.
But today my wall flew back up faster than you can say horchata.
I'm back to a zero-emotions zombie.
People can tell when my wall first goes back up but they can't tell when it goes down.
If I start trusting just one person, I ease up a little with everyone else.
But then that person breaks that trust and screws it up for the others.
So many people tell me they don't know how I can go around not trusting anyone or that I should just suck it up and let people in.
I avoid closeness because I have to. It's my survival instinct. I can't just 'suck it up' because its so much more than that.
Yeah. I'm messed up. But I'm dealing with it. I'm getting better. I'm not good yet and maybe I'll never fully be back to the childlike naivete I have had for much of my life...but that's my problem. Not yours. So don't try and fix me with all the problems you have yourself.
You can't change the past.
You can't change other people.
You can't change anything about me.
You can only change yourself.
So while I work on myself, you work on you and we'll get along just fine.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not going to lie, this was a hard post for me to read through. It makes me sad in a lot of ways. Even so, I hope one day you'll learn that there are people who are jerks in the world. They do jerky things, say jerky things, and pretty much give humanity a bad name. However, there are a lot of really awesome people in the world who make like worth living! They're the ones that make you smile when you're glum, or do a random act of kindess to a complete stranger. And then there are a whole lot of people in the middle. I guess what I'm getting at is, it's too easy to just stop trusting everyone.