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I snort when I laugh. I don't sleep much. Music is my life. I'm extremely clumsy. John Mayer is the love of my life. So is Batman. I'm Mormon. I have a slight obsession with mustaches. I blog because I can. I say what I think when I think it. My sense of humor often gets me in trouble. I love adventures. I get lost constantly.

Monday, February 21, 2011

It's funny.

So today, I was reminded of you. I was rereading a post directed towards you, and I was hit with a memory I hadn't recalled before.

It was the end of the semester, probably one of the last two weeks of school, and for some reason we both didn't have class.
We hadn't been able to hang out for a few days (which was a really big deal because we saw each other everyday but Sunday) and so we met up.
I think we were going to go to the cafe to get some food and it wasn't open yet or something.
Anyway, we were walking past that open auditorium thing place, and the sun was shining bright in the late afternoon, it was warm and beautiful, we were laughing about something like we always did, and we decided to just sit on the grass and enjoy this moment.
So we did.
We laid there in the sun and talked and laughed more.
You kept putting grass on me, and I kept laughing and smacking you for it.
I remember rolling up my pants so I could get a tan going.
It was a happy, blissful, even perfect moment.
Even when "Loser Face" walked by and you wanted to go punch him, it wasn't a problem.
We talked about that situation, about me being stood-up by him, and how even though you were still heated about it, that I was fine with him and the whole thing.
I don't honestly remember what we did after, whether you went home or we went to go get food. I don't think this was the same day we went to Applebee's for food.

I'm having mixed feelings writing this post. I know you'll never see it, but I need it to be said.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did to be so cut out of your life.
I don't even know what I could've done to stop this from ending.
We had a magic friendship.

I can't believe we actually talked so recently.
I added you, to extend the olive branch.
I'm not angry or hurt or upset anymore, but I guess you are.
I added, you accepted, I wrote on your wall, you wrote on mine, I wrote again, you deleted me.
Sorry bout it!
You know what's funny?
I'm not even upset about it.
I don't need you in my life, and you obviously don't want me in yours.
So, I have learned my lesson.
I will not try to restore this friendship again.
I honestly just wanted you to know that I wasn't holding a grudge and I was ready to make up.
Oh well.
You made it clear that that wasn't an agreeable position for you.

What's sad is how even though I'm no longer bothered by you or anything that happened, I actually still am.
See, there's this boy.
He's a great guy.
He's funny, he's charming, he sings, he's spiritual, and so many other things.
Except every, single, thing...reminds me of you.
I will say that I think he's actually handsome.
He's all these great things, and I can't find it in me to be his friend.
Everything about him screams your name.
Poor kid doesn't stand a chance.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing for him, regardless of what he looks like.
I'm just frustrated that I can't hang out with him without wanting to leave, because I feel like I'm hanging out with you again.
I feel really awkward around him and I feel like he's sketchy, simply because I feel like he's you all over again.
So basically, I am stuck right now.
I'm not letting him be my friend because I don't want to get hurt like that again.
But ultimately, he's not you.
He's not gonna hurt me, because I'm not going to have the same friendship with him that I had with you.
I am in control of me.
I am the master of my fate.
I have GUTS.
You haven't crushed me at all.
I hope you saw that for the two weeks we were FB friends again.
I honestly wish you luck in whatever you pursue.
I'm such a stronger person than I was when I knew you.
I'm not scared anymore.
I'm doing good.
I'm happy, and I can't hide it.
And it's not because I've met a wonderful guy that doesn't remind me of you at all, it's because I'm not dependent on you, him, or anyone else for my happiness or success.
I depend on me, and I never let myself down.
I depend on God, and He never lets anyone down. Ever.
I know where true happiness comes from, and where I can have those happy, blissful, perfect moments all the time.
I know where I've come from, I know where I am, and I know where I want to go. Where I plan on going.
I've got big dreams, kid.
And I'M making them come true.

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