Reflections♥

Some days are just hard. Today I had one of those days. I didn't get enough sleep, I didn't eat breakfast, I was starving all morning, I didn't hear the teacher correctly on Thursday so I didn't have the right homework done for today, my next class I didn't have my homework finished, and my last class (math) had me completely stumped. It was hot today, I was in a skirt and I LOATHE wearing skirts. I am a pants girl all the way. I was discouraged, tired, worn down, homesick, and quite overwhelmed to say the least.

But right now I am sitting here in my dorm room writing this feeling peaceful and calm and even, dare I say it? Happy and content. How can this be? Well...I'm what you call a "Mormon". I live in Salt Lake City and I currently attend LDS Business College. I am taking 17 credits this semester and they aren't "fluff" classes like I took last semester. I need to find a job so that I can come back for fall semester but I am spending almost all of my time doing homework so that I can earn a scholarship as well.

Anyway...I ended today by meeting my friend Jenni after our classes ended and we walked home together. We were standing where we usually part ways and both felt prompted to go to Temple Square, so we walked the extra block and sat by the reflection pool and talked. We talked and talked and talked. We talked for a good 40 minutes I think. We talked about every issue we were having and some issues we were both facing. I cried, she almost cried, and we grew in our friendship.

There is an incredible peace I feel, being a part of this church. The Gospel of Christ is what keeps me going everyday. Lately I have been distracted from that knowledge and let me tell you, it has been a noticeable change. I haven't been happy for the longest time. Not just like a down day but a serious depression. Utter listlessness and emptiness. Well tonight I got some of that old joy and life back. I came home and read my Book of Mormon ) which I haven't done in FAR too long. I was instantly filled with peace when we walked onto Temple Square, and reading in Mosiah just increased that feeling. I am blessed to know the truth. I know where I came from, I know where I want to go, and I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. My heart aches for people that don't know any of those things. People that have questions and no answers and don't know where to turn to for guidance.

Overall I feel blessed. Today wasn't that bad now that I think about it. I have most of tomorrow to finish all of my homework and I can do it. Life is good, God is great, and I am happy. That is all for tonight:)

A Little About Me

1. I am always reading something. I am in the middle of 800 books.

2. I don't sleep.

3. I miss more people than I can count on my fingers.

4. Music is playing 24/7 in this mind.

5. I've kind of always wanted to be a drummer.

6. I watch old movies a lot.

7. I don't trust people anymore.

8. I am a closeted writer and blogger.

9. Take me camping and I might love you forever.

10. California girl through and through.

11. I like taking midnight walks through my city.

12. My roommate is from Chile and we're completely opposite. But we get along really well(:

13. I am always the little sister in every group of friends.

14. I graduated high school after sophomore year.

15. Almost all of my best friends have met their future spouses.

16. I find it hard to resist boys that have accents or can play an instrument really well.

17. Verbal banter is essential. If I can't joke with you I won't hang with you. End of story.

18. I have never dyed my hair.

19. I have never been to a circus, a concert, or the Academy Awards.

20. I am sarcastic to a fault.

21. I'm 5'11".

22. I am almost 18.

23. I do not hang out with people my own age. Never have, probably not gonna start real soon.

24. I understand guys more than I understand girls. I blame growing up with a brother.

25. I can talk cars with you until your ears fall off.

26. California boys are freakin sexy. I can pick one out in a crowd. Try me.

27. I have an unhealthy obsession with Batman. Ever since I was little he has been my favorite.

28. I have had my heart broken badly.

29. I have 6 siblings--all older than me--4 brothers and 2 sisters. I have about 500 adopted siblings.

30. I am OCD about spelling. I hate misspelling things.

31. My nephew is the cutest thing in my life.

32. I love my school and religion. LDSBC Lions for life!!

33. Perfect outfit = Band tee, comfy jeans, and Vans.

34. My roommate is teaching me how to be girly-er. Hahaha

35. Before school I hated peanut butter. Now I will seriously eat it right out of the container. Darn you college!

36. I like curling my hair everyday.

37. I am done with dating boys right now. They have cooties. Boys as friends are totally fine.

38. I'm kind of vain about my hair. I really love it.

39. I don't cry if I can help it. I can count on one hand how many people I have broken down in front of.

40. I am a perfectionist but only towards myself. I hold myself to a standard that I can't always reach.

41. I have loved and lost many friends.

42. My guard = up all day everyday.

43. When I like a guy it's usually because he reminds me of a movie star I love. Like Jimmy Stewart, or Marlon Brando, or Zac Efron. Haha

44. It may not sound like it but I am actually an optimist. But I am also a realist. I'm not as naive as I once was.

45. I love my brown, white, yellow, red, off-white, and orange people.

46. I believe I can be friends with anyone. I don't judge people for their mistakes or for their circumstances.

47. I laugh practically every time I breath. I like to make other people laugh too(:

48. I don't care what people think of me anymore. It's none of my business anyway.

49. I plan to live in every major city in the U.S. for a few months each and several non-major cities.

50. People call me Ducky. You should too.(:

I remember us.

Have you ever had a close friend?

Have you ever had a best friend?

I have.

Have you ever had a friend leave you?

Have you ever had a friend end your friendship?

I have.

Any kind of end is sad. But when it's someone that is that close to you its the worst pain imaginable.

The only things I can think of to say to this person is...you left. YOU left. You were my best friend. You were my confidant. When I had a problem I came to you. When I was happy I told you first. When I was sad you knew when no one else could. I told you things I've never told anyone. Things that I've only ever told my mother.

You left.

You saw me cry. You made me laugh. You listened when I was a stupid girl. You gave advice like no one else. You were there for me.

Or at least I thought you were.

You were my best friend. You knew you were. You said I was your best friend. I loved you. I thought you loved me.

You weren't my boyfriend. We weren't a couple. But I was closer to you than I have ever been to any guy. You and I were almost twins sometimes.

I still remember the jokes. I remember the laughs. I remember the stress of our classes. I remember going places with the group. I remember going to your house and joking with your brother. I remember having a crush on your brother. I remember telling you about the boys I liked and you telling me about girls you liked. I remember you wanting to beat up "Loser Face" haha. I remember the talks at the cafe or JB's. I remember being as close as two people can be.

I remember us.

But I can't.

There is no us anymore. There is no friendship. There is no pals. There are no phone calls until we fall asleep. There are no good morning texts.

There. Is. Nothing.

You broke my heart. You know what you did. And I'm done. I am moving on.

Everyday I erase you a little bit more. It's not easy. Everywhere I go holds a memory for me.

Memories are the hardest to let go of. We haven't spoken in several months.

I don't know how you are, I don't know where you are. I haven't seen you at school and I'm glad.

I can't let you do this to me again. I don't want to hear your story if I ever see you again. I don't want to talk to you.

I am done.

You know what you did. You knew me well enough to know how I would feel. Thanks to you I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't. I physically can't. I don't let people in. You knew that. You got through that somehow. I let my defenses down for this friendship. I won't make that mistake twice. You have successfully ruined any future friendship and several current ones.

You know how hard it was for me to be that vulnerable. I can count on my fingers how many people I have let see me cry. You are one of them and I don't like that.

So that's how things are now. If you thought I had trust issues before, you wouldn't recognize me now. I'm not bitter, I've grown up. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes.

But you're done. You are just a chapter in my life story that is written and finished.

We can never go back to the way things were, because simply it starts with this:

You left. You ended it. And I am picking up the pieces.

Well this wasn't MY idea...

So I've actually had this blog for awhile and just not posted anything.

I haven't really felt the need haha.

But today was my first day of class back at LDS Business College in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I love this place. It's my heaven, my haven, and my home.

This is my second semester at the BC and I'm already starting to regret taking serious classes this semester. First of all my backpack is going to roll over and die because I only need about 612 books for each class. I am in school from 7:40 AM to about 8:10 PM and I only have four classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I have 3 hour breaks between almost all my classes. This sucks. Last semester I had classes back to back to back and I was so worn out by the end of the day but this semester I feel so...blehh. I have nothing to do! Especially since it's the first week and my homework is to buy textbooks. Fun fun fun.

I can't complain really...its a miracle that I am back and I am so happy to be here!! I have the best friends in the world here and I get to see them errday.

One of my best friends just started her freshman year down at BYU and its great having her in the same state let alone same side of the country!

I had a free writing session in my English class today and I feel that that was partly the reason I wrote this today.

There's something about writing that I just love. When you write from your heart, its your own and no one can take that from you. They may criticize, they may critique, they may judge...but in the end its yours. Your thoughts, your feelings, your journey.

So thats what this is for me. My thoughts. My feelings. My journey. Out there for people to read.

Thats the scary part.