Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks!!!

So you may have guessed...this semester only has two weeks left!!!
SUCCESS.
I am so ready to have this semester done and over with.
This semester has been a real learning experience in many ways.
Last semester, I had just turned 17, it was my first time away from home, I took 18 credits, and I was so shy. (No really, I was shy.)
I grew SO much during that semester. It was literally the perfect semester for me. I made incredible friends, aced my classes, and proved to myself (and everyone else) that I could handle what came my way in life.
This semester things have not been the same. Not so much.
See, over the summer a lot of things changed. Actually everything changed.
My friendship with my best friend ended.
My other friendships were different because I went home for the summer.
I was by myself at home for most of the summer, while my friends were still in SLC, at camps, working, or other various things.
I was hurting, I was sad, and I felt very alone for several months.
My healing path started when I was forced by my mother to go on a camping trip with my singles ward (what am I, 13??) and I ended up having an incredible time and coming out of my shell.
I made friends with the people that I had been going to church with for two months. I told you...I'm shy!
Anyway, with new friends and things to do...needless to say my summer became exponentially more entertaining.
I was able to connect with people again. For the most part I had been a zombie since I had left SLC, because I wanted to stay there and had a hard time adjusting to what I didn't want.
I'm thankful now for going back and staying the summer because the people I know are amazing, and I love them and they're some of the best people I have ever met. Ever.
Coming back to Salt Lake was difficult for me.
Literally every aspect of my life here had changed.
Many friends were gone, many weren't friends anymore, and others were too busy for me.
My school load was 17 credits but all of the classes were hard and I was unprepared for the workload.
I felt alone, I felt stupid, and I felt overwhelmed.
When the Lord brings us to the floor its so that we can look up and rely on Him again. That's what happened to me this semester.
I have never felt so humbled and so awful in my life. The first two months of the semester I was stuck in zombie mode again. After Nate, my trust was shattered in most people, especially my friends. My first semester I was quite the naive one. I am the type of person that just loves, and I thought that everyone loved me back just as much. Well with many friendships that is true, and those people are still around. But for many others that was/is not true, and I had a hard time dealing with that. In many ways I'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of person.
So coming back this semester I told myself, "Self! I'm not going to trust a single person. I'm going to keep everyone at arm's distance, and I am not going to let myself get hurt again. Things didn't work out last semester by being so open and friendly, so obviously I should just close myself off to all people that know me enough to hurt me." Not true. Closing people off just made it worse, and I sunk into this spiral of destruction.
It wasn't the best semester, it's been hard and horrible, but I've needed it.
I needed the encouragement last semester, and this semester I needed to be humbled and reminded of who really knows whats best for me.
Once you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up right? Exactly right.
And I did start back up again.
I can't pinpoint where it changed exactly, but all I know is I'm different. Again. I'm balanced. I was a child last semester, a grumpy and jaded old lady for much of this semester...and now I'm...I'm neither and I'm both. I trust people and I let them in, but I know my limits and I don't abandon them. I'm me. I'm back, but I'm improved.
I'm still learning everyday, and that's good.
I'm happy.
I'm smiling for no reason again, I'm laughing like crazy with people, and I'm just loving my life.
I've healed.
My heart is functioning and beating strong:)
I'm grateful for my loves.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my school.
I'm even grateful for my heinous finance class (which I'm probably failing. I've never failed anything so this pisses me off. But that's a whole nother blog post.)
I'm at peace.
The people that are in my life, whether permanently, briefly, or not at all, they're here for a reason. I'm only beginning to see why some are still here, and why some needed to leave.
But it's ok. Life is as unpredictable as anything, but it's worth every minute.
I would never want to repeat this semester, but I'm glad it happened.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...its never as bad as you think it is. When life gets too hard to stand, fall on your knees and pray. He's your best friend and He will never leave you. People come, people go, but don't ever lose your faith. God is great, love is good, and life is beautiful.
Embrace it.
Smile by Charlie Chaplin, look it up and pay attention to the lyrics. That's helped me through a lot. Trust.

Love,
Someone smiling through life.

My loves.

Some people are blessed to have a best friend. I am blessed to have many. I am going to dedicate a post to each of my best friends. This one goes to Jenni Allene Clark, or as I like to call her...Jennallene.
She is my munchkin friend, she is my Batman fanatic friend, and she is just amazing.
When we hang out, we laugh more than anything, talk about everything, and we're always up to something.
We met in January 2010, in our Communications class and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. We officially introduced ourselves on Monday at FHE. Having not talked much when we met in class Thursday, at first we didn't have much to say. But one thing led to another and we decided to become "gossip buddies" haha, and so we did.
Class on Tuesday was more fun now that we knew each other and it just grew from there. We hung out probably errday that semester after that.
We have been friends through thick and thin and we were even long distance friends for a bit when I went home for the summer and she stayed in Utah.
I watched her entire relationship with Chauncey ( who I call The Chaunce) from the first date, to them becoming engaged, and when they get married (in 78 days, but who's counting??) I will be there causing a ruckus as usual ;)
I love you Jenni Clark. We talk about everything and don't have any problems bickering like sisters sometimes haha. You are the best for advice and I trust you a ton. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm glad we're best friends even though you won't tell me your one awkward story. Phooey. But other than that! You're awesome. You're the best!


I think you're kinda cool...we should be friends or something like that. Ya think?

Some days...

Some days, everything goes just right.
Some days, I get enormous amounts of homework done and I still have time for some social life.
Some days, you wake up happy, you stay happy, and then you go to sleep happy.
Some days, the weather is absolutely horrible...and its ok.
Some days, you have to sit back and count your blessings.Some days, you feel your Savior's love for you, stronger than you can imagine.
Some days, you connect with your friends again.
Some days, you laugh until you cry a little bit.
Some days, you laugh at really inappropriate things.
Some days, you count down until you can see you family again.
Some days, you just want to dance around.

Some days, you can't control your face and keep it from blushing.
Some days, you listen to Vivaldi and don't feel even slightly embarrassed (He's fabulous ok??)
Some days, are just good.

Some days, even if something not so good happens, it still ends perfectly.
Well today has not been one of those days. Its been all of those days. So my advice is don't sit and wait for those "somedays" that might come in the future. Embrace the day you have right now. Make that day the some day that you want. Put some sunshine in the middle of that blizzard. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile, that makes YOU happy. That's my motto for life and it's a good one of I do say so myself. ;)

Love,
A slightly misplaced California girl. :)

(Best thing about Utah though? FALL!)

I think I'm allergic to the human species.

A heart isn't something you just mess with.
Of all the weapons in the world, caring for someone should be the #1.
It's already well known that I don't trust people.
But there's many reasons for that, that people don't know and never will know.
It's days like this that just reaffirm my actions of holding people at arms length.
Because now I'm bitter.
I say I trust you but I really don't because I know in the end everybody leaves.
Sure I trust people, but I don't trust them with much, because I learned the hard way that most people aren't trustworthy at all in in a lot of ways.
So now it's ok to me when someone leaves because chances are I wasn't feeling enough about the friendship to be hurt or sad.
I just shrug my shoulders and write them off.
I don't feel anything about people anymore.
Some might be surprised by this because they feel close to me but chances are I definitely don't feel the same about you.
If we were close you would know.
To those that think they know me, all I can say is that I can fake a smile better than anybody because I've been practicing my whole life.
You don't know anything because frankly I don't want you knowing things about my life, my family, or what's going on in my mind.
I don't care, people have to prove themselves to me.
I haven't cried in over a month...it's probably time for a breakdown soon.
Sadly, this is actually me getting better.
I'm feeling more than I was two months ago.
It's just one day at a time, baby-steps.
But today my wall flew back up faster than you can say horchata.
I'm back to a zero-emotions zombie.
People can tell when my wall first goes back up but they can't tell when it goes down.
If I start trusting just one person, I ease up a little with everyone else.
But then that person breaks that trust and screws it up for the others.
So many people tell me they don't know how I can go around not trusting anyone or that I should just suck it up and let people in.
I avoid closeness because I have to. It's my survival instinct. I can't just 'suck it up' because its so much more than that.
Yeah. I'm messed up. But I'm dealing with it. I'm getting better. I'm not good yet and maybe I'll never fully be back to the childlike naivete I have had for much of my life...but that's my problem. Not yours. So don't try and fix me with all the problems you have yourself.
You can't change the past.
You can't change other people.
You can't change anything about me.
You can only change yourself.
So while I work on myself, you work on you and we'll get along just fine.

Angry people are not always wise.

Angry people are never wise really.

My last post was a post written in anger, and now that I've gone back and read it I was embarrassed enough to remove it.

One thing people that know me should realize is that I am a reactor.

I react.

I react to everything--positively, negatively, whatever--I tend to react.

Some people like to tease me because they know they can and will get a reaction out of me. (I won't name names, you know who you are haha)

Anyway, I had just received some news and it wasn't really great news for me so I kind of just let it out on here.

I swore I would never get a blog but I really love it because I can just write out my feelings and thoughts when I need to.

Some people turn to music, to art, to sports, or other things but I've never really been good at any of those things.

Writing has always been something that's come naturally to me and so its now my first instinct when anything happens.

Its such a release to let everything out. To let my fingers translate what my head and heart are thinking and feeling.

Right now I'm feeling good. (I usually do feel good but I don't often write about it.)

This weekend is Halloween weekend and I'm lost for costume ideas. All I really have in my supply is a mustache and cool nerdy glasses (I'm a college student, I don't really have money to buy a costume. Especially since the Batman ones are expensive...haha.)

The person I really want to hang out with this weekend won't be at the same place I'm going but I'm going with an awesome group of my other favorite people:)

We're going to some dance place tomorrow night and I'm excited! I haven't gone dancing in a long time (a church barn dance does not count in my opinion).

I'll be surrounded with music and boys and costumes. What more could I want? ;)

Good times, with good people is what its all about.

I'm loving my life.

School is good, I'm getting good grades, my teachers all seem to like me, and I hang out with some of the best people I could imagine.

I'm flying home for Thanksgiving and I am SO excited about that!

Most of my siblings are going to be there and we haven't all been together for Thanksgiving in years.

My sisters, some of my brothers are going to be there, my nephew and maybe some of my nieces. I'm so stoked!

I love big families. I think they're crazy and loud and fun. There is never a dull moment. Trust.

I'm so blessed in my life.

I am blessed to watch my loved ones and others turn their lives around and watch strained relationships mend and broken hearts heal.

My God is good to me. He loves me and never lets me forget it.

I have the most amazing friends you could ask for. They love me and support me and they take care of me 'cause heaven knows I would never make it on my own.

There's so many beautiful, wonderful, special, incredible people I know.

Here's to the people that love me and show me everyday:

You're awesome. I love you. I love everything about you and all the things you do for me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for caring. Thank you for listening. Thank you to the few that have let me cry on their shoulders. Thank you to the others that will comfort me on the future. If you're in my life you have blessed me more than you will ever know. I am grateful for YOU.

I don't have much else to say.

It's just here for you to read and interpret how you want.

These are just my thoughts tonight.

Love, Ducky.

I've got the magic in me.

So, my life is good. Really good:)

School is still going crazy, I'm pretty sure I failed my math test... but its all good baby. Haha I woke up in a good mood this morning. Its one of those "I'm glad to be alive" days.

If I had one song to describe my life right now it would probably be Everybody's Changing by Keane (Fun Fact: I got the sheet music for this song...and I shall attempt to learn it. I hate sight reading. Ugh.) I discovered this song and band by accident really. Thank you Pandora! Haha. I am now in love with this song and band. For some reason my favorite bands all seem to be from Britain. Curse you Brits! ;)

Anyway, the song kind of explains how everyone is changing, their lives are moving in different directions and the singer doesn't feel the same way.

Well, most days thats how I feel.

All my life my best friends have been guys, literally since pre-school.

Its been that way up until this semester.

Last semester my very best friend was a guy and although I had lots of lady friends I only regularly hung out with 4-5.

Well this semester I'm not hanging out with guys at all really. I study with a couple different ones for different classes, but none of them are my best friends like I want.

There's some sort of connection I feel with a guy best friend that I don't with girls. I'm not very close to my real brothers so I tend to adopt guys as surrogate brothers, and I love that. I love brothers! Even with everything they put me through.

This semester I feel like I don't have any brothers. I mean I have guy friends and stuff but I don't hang out with them outside of school at all and probably never will.

But I am thankful for the sudden burst of girl friends. I never knew how many people really cared about me before. Now I find myself always with one girl or the other, and I actually love it.

Another reason I usually hang out with guys is because for most of my life I have been highly intimidated by girls. I didn't know how to act around them or talk to them or anything. I grew out of that stage awhile ago but I am still nervous around girls sometimes haha. Guys are much easier to read for me.

Girls are lots of emotions and feelings and half of them are hidden.

I miss my guys, I miss the fact that they would make me laugh until I couldn't breathe, and then continue until I almost pass out. Haha I have the best memories from my guys.

But I feel like I have entered a new era of Ducky.

I am friends with more girls than I can count and I feel genuinely loved by all of them. I trust them and I know they're there for me. They're like my safety net so to speak. This was an unwanted change but its a GOOD change. My life is good. I am blessed. My parents love me. My friends love me. My God loves me. And my dog Mollie loves me. Hahaha:)

Life will never be more than we can handle.

I love knowing that.

So if you're blue today...go ahead and be blue today. It's healthy to have a meltdown every once in a while.

But tomorrow: smile. Get down on your knees and pray. Do something for someone else. Do what you can to help your family. Don't forget where it all came from. And finally, love people. Just love them. Because in the end thats all you can do. Anything you do for people starts with loving them. Sometimes thats all you can do for them. And sometimes thats all we need. Just love us.

Reflections♥

Some days are just hard. Today I had one of those days. I didn't get enough sleep, I didn't eat breakfast, I was starving all morning, I didn't hear the teacher correctly on Thursday so I didn't have the right homework done for today, my next class I didn't have my homework finished, and my last class (math) had me completely stumped. It was hot today, I was in a skirt and I LOATHE wearing skirts. I am a pants girl all the way. I was discouraged, tired, worn down, homesick, and quite overwhelmed to say the least.

But right now I am sitting here in my dorm room writing this feeling peaceful and calm and even, dare I say it? Happy and content. How can this be? Well...I'm what you call a "Mormon". I live in Salt Lake City and I currently attend LDS Business College. I am taking 17 credits this semester and they aren't "fluff" classes like I took last semester. I need to find a job so that I can come back for fall semester but I am spending almost all of my time doing homework so that I can earn a scholarship as well.

Anyway...I ended today by meeting my friend Jenni after our classes ended and we walked home together. We were standing where we usually part ways and both felt prompted to go to Temple Square, so we walked the extra block and sat by the reflection pool and talked. We talked and talked and talked. We talked for a good 40 minutes I think. We talked about every issue we were having and some issues we were both facing. I cried, she almost cried, and we grew in our friendship.

There is an incredible peace I feel, being a part of this church. The Gospel of Christ is what keeps me going everyday. Lately I have been distracted from that knowledge and let me tell you, it has been a noticeable change. I haven't been happy for the longest time. Not just like a down day but a serious depression. Utter listlessness and emptiness. Well tonight I got some of that old joy and life back. I came home and read my Book of Mormon ) which I haven't done in FAR too long. I was instantly filled with peace when we walked onto Temple Square, and reading in Mosiah just increased that feeling. I am blessed to know the truth. I know where I came from, I know where I want to go, and I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. My heart aches for people that don't know any of those things. People that have questions and no answers and don't know where to turn to for guidance.

Overall I feel blessed. Today wasn't that bad now that I think about it. I have most of tomorrow to finish all of my homework and I can do it. Life is good, God is great, and I am happy. That is all for tonight:)

A Little About Me

1. I am always reading something. I am in the middle of 800 books.

2. I don't sleep.

3. I miss more people than I can count on my fingers.

4. Music is playing 24/7 in this mind.

5. I've kind of always wanted to be a drummer.

6. I watch old movies a lot.

7. I don't trust people anymore.

8. I am a closeted writer and blogger.

9. Take me camping and I might love you forever.

10. California girl through and through.

11. I like taking midnight walks through my city.

12. My roommate is from Chile and we're completely opposite. But we get along really well(:

13. I am always the little sister in every group of friends.

14. I graduated high school after sophomore year.

15. Almost all of my best friends have met their future spouses.

16. I find it hard to resist boys that have accents or can play an instrument really well.

17. Verbal banter is essential. If I can't joke with you I won't hang with you. End of story.

18. I have never dyed my hair.

19. I have never been to a circus, a concert, or the Academy Awards.

20. I am sarcastic to a fault.

21. I'm 5'11".

22. I am almost 18.

23. I do not hang out with people my own age. Never have, probably not gonna start real soon.

24. I understand guys more than I understand girls. I blame growing up with a brother.

25. I can talk cars with you until your ears fall off.

26. California boys are freakin sexy. I can pick one out in a crowd. Try me.

27. I have an unhealthy obsession with Batman. Ever since I was little he has been my favorite.

28. I have had my heart broken badly.

29. I have 6 siblings--all older than me--4 brothers and 2 sisters. I have about 500 adopted siblings.

30. I am OCD about spelling. I hate misspelling things.

31. My nephew is the cutest thing in my life.

32. I love my school and religion. LDSBC Lions for life!!

33. Perfect outfit = Band tee, comfy jeans, and Vans.

34. My roommate is teaching me how to be girly-er. Hahaha

35. Before school I hated peanut butter. Now I will seriously eat it right out of the container. Darn you college!

36. I like curling my hair everyday.

37. I am done with dating boys right now. They have cooties. Boys as friends are totally fine.

38. I'm kind of vain about my hair. I really love it.

39. I don't cry if I can help it. I can count on one hand how many people I have broken down in front of.

40. I am a perfectionist but only towards myself. I hold myself to a standard that I can't always reach.

41. I have loved and lost many friends.

42. My guard = up all day everyday.

43. When I like a guy it's usually because he reminds me of a movie star I love. Like Jimmy Stewart, or Marlon Brando, or Zac Efron. Haha

44. It may not sound like it but I am actually an optimist. But I am also a realist. I'm not as naive as I once was.

45. I love my brown, white, yellow, red, off-white, and orange people.

46. I believe I can be friends with anyone. I don't judge people for their mistakes or for their circumstances.

47. I laugh practically every time I breath. I like to make other people laugh too(:

48. I don't care what people think of me anymore. It's none of my business anyway.

49. I plan to live in every major city in the U.S. for a few months each and several non-major cities.

50. People call me Ducky. You should too.(:

I remember us.

Have you ever had a close friend?

Have you ever had a best friend?

I have.

Have you ever had a friend leave you?

Have you ever had a friend end your friendship?

I have.

Any kind of end is sad. But when it's someone that is that close to you its the worst pain imaginable.

The only things I can think of to say to this person is...you left. YOU left. You were my best friend. You were my confidant. When I had a problem I came to you. When I was happy I told you first. When I was sad you knew when no one else could. I told you things I've never told anyone. Things that I've only ever told my mother.

You left.

You saw me cry. You made me laugh. You listened when I was a stupid girl. You gave advice like no one else. You were there for me.

Or at least I thought you were.

You were my best friend. You knew you were. You said I was your best friend. I loved you. I thought you loved me.

You weren't my boyfriend. We weren't a couple. But I was closer to you than I have ever been to any guy. You and I were almost twins sometimes.

I still remember the jokes. I remember the laughs. I remember the stress of our classes. I remember going places with the group. I remember going to your house and joking with your brother. I remember having a crush on your brother. I remember telling you about the boys I liked and you telling me about girls you liked. I remember you wanting to beat up "Loser Face" haha. I remember the talks at the cafe or JB's. I remember being as close as two people can be.

I remember us.

But I can't.

There is no us anymore. There is no friendship. There is no pals. There are no phone calls until we fall asleep. There are no good morning texts.

There. Is. Nothing.

You broke my heart. You know what you did. And I'm done. I am moving on.

Everyday I erase you a little bit more. It's not easy. Everywhere I go holds a memory for me.

Memories are the hardest to let go of. We haven't spoken in several months.

I don't know how you are, I don't know where you are. I haven't seen you at school and I'm glad.

I can't let you do this to me again. I don't want to hear your story if I ever see you again. I don't want to talk to you.

I am done.

You know what you did. You knew me well enough to know how I would feel. Thanks to you I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't. I physically can't. I don't let people in. You knew that. You got through that somehow. I let my defenses down for this friendship. I won't make that mistake twice. You have successfully ruined any future friendship and several current ones.

You know how hard it was for me to be that vulnerable. I can count on my fingers how many people I have let see me cry. You are one of them and I don't like that.

So that's how things are now. If you thought I had trust issues before, you wouldn't recognize me now. I'm not bitter, I've grown up. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes.

But you're done. You are just a chapter in my life story that is written and finished.

We can never go back to the way things were, because simply it starts with this:

You left. You ended it. And I am picking up the pieces.

Well this wasn't MY idea...

So I've actually had this blog for awhile and just not posted anything.

I haven't really felt the need haha.

But today was my first day of class back at LDS Business College in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I love this place. It's my heaven, my haven, and my home.

This is my second semester at the BC and I'm already starting to regret taking serious classes this semester. First of all my backpack is going to roll over and die because I only need about 612 books for each class. I am in school from 7:40 AM to about 8:10 PM and I only have four classes on Tuesday and Thursday. I have 3 hour breaks between almost all my classes. This sucks. Last semester I had classes back to back to back and I was so worn out by the end of the day but this semester I feel so...blehh. I have nothing to do! Especially since it's the first week and my homework is to buy textbooks. Fun fun fun.

I can't complain really...its a miracle that I am back and I am so happy to be here!! I have the best friends in the world here and I get to see them errday.

One of my best friends just started her freshman year down at BYU and its great having her in the same state let alone same side of the country!

I had a free writing session in my English class today and I feel that that was partly the reason I wrote this today.

There's something about writing that I just love. When you write from your heart, its your own and no one can take that from you. They may criticize, they may critique, they may judge...but in the end its yours. Your thoughts, your feelings, your journey.

So thats what this is for me. My thoughts. My feelings. My journey. Out there for people to read.

Thats the scary part.