Day 1

Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself.
Day 2: Nine things you do everyday.
Day 3: Eight things that annoy you.
Day 4: Seven fears/phobias.
Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to.
Day 6: Five things you can’t live without.
Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget.
Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using.
Day 9: Two things you wish you could do.
Day 10: One person you can trust

Well.

1. I love to laugh. I love it. I usually am the one making people laugh, but I highly appreciate people that make me laugh harder than I want to.

2. I like new music. All the time. I love when I find an artist or band that is new to me, whether they're new to the rest of the world or not. Again, I appreciate the people that give me new music to fall in love with.

3. I'm much more confident than I used to be. I know this because I have days that I go with no makeup. (Well...ok...I wear mascara. But I have blonde lashes. You can't see my eyes unless there's a little smidgen of mascara on them.)

4. I like that I've always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl. Because then when I wear an actual blouse or whatever, everyone notices and stuff. And when I'm running late or just having a lazy day, no one can tell because I always wear a t-shirt and jeans. Haha basically I feel I can always dress up from that point. It's better to start at the bottom and go up than start at the top and reach the bottom. Even if it is only how I look on a day to day basis. Whatever;)

5. I like to start my day off with this song. It helps me feel truly epic.

6. It's only taken me 18 years, but I have finally gotten to the point where I can control my hairs. Granted, I really only know how to have it straight, curly, or up...but it's baby steps. Maybe in 18 more years I'll have figured out another hairstyle.

7. I think I'd like to get married eventually and have some childrens. I don't really want daughters. If I have them, I'll love them of course...but I really want 5 boys. I want sons. Boys are just so much more fun.

8. Whenever I'm around southern boys, I don't know how to act. They're (usually) such gentlemen and I am just not used to it haha. So then I just feel awkward.

9. I want to move. Always. I am an avid fan of change. I get bored easily after about 4 months in one place. I'm a bit of a gypsy. Eventually I will live everywhere I want. Tennessee first, if not Russia for a few months. Still revising that plan. Please hold.

10. I feel that people are most honest after midnight. I am. I'm ready for sleep, my inhibitions are gone, and my guard is down. That's why the best talks I have with people are at sleepovers and such. That's when my embarrassment filter is gone and my self-conciousness is at its lowest. And I'm more apt to listen then too.

Day 1 is complete. Time for sleeps!

Ducky

Well Plan J sounds like it might work...

Time for a shout out.

There's a LOT of things in my life that I'm grateful for, and I don't express that gratitude often enough at all.

So here goes the list:

I'm grateful for the Gospel and how it affects every aspect of my life.

I'm grateful for a God who loves me and knows me so much better than I do.

I'm grateful for the parents I have, and the incredible love and support I feel from them.

I'm grateful for the friends I have.

I'm grateful for my fake brothers, that help me so so much when I need them.

I'm grateful for the priesthood and its real and intense healing power.

I'm grateful for guy friends that are worthy to hold that priesthood.

I'm grateful for my roommate, I'm thankful for her friendship, love, advice, and endless patience.

I'm grateful for Paolo Nutini and his beautiful voice, serenading me constantly.

I'm grateful for experiences that take me out of my own little world.

I'm grateful for the things I have, even though I often take them for granted.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to go to school, and gain an excellent education.

I'm grateful for new people that laugh with me.

I'm grateful for wake-up calls, literal and figurative.

Today was a good day.

Yesterday was not.

I was very seriously considering dropping all my classes, getting my money back, and leaving school. I haven't been happy the past few months and it has been wearing on me. I am a very happy person usually, but I'm really good at faking it when I'm not so happy.

So for most of last semester and the beginning of this semester, I have definitely not been up to par with my level of happiness. But, through a lot of pray, and lot of scripture reading, and some wonderful help from some others, I haven't quit. I have been reminded of what's really important, and that I need to stop being so involved in myself.

Something I heard that really affected me, was that happiness is a choice, and happiness is also a consequence of living like I should. Listening to the Lord, showing charity to my fellow men, and doing MY best and MY part to become the person I need to be.

Well, it's only the second week of school, so I'm not going to fail if I get on track and do what I need to get the best grades possible. After I do as much as I can, and work my heart out, God will step in and help me the rest of the way.

But I need to do MY share.

So, I'm going to.

I choose to be happy.

I choose to work as hard as I possibly can.

I choose success.

Determined, tired, and very happy,

Ducky

This could end badly.

BUT...I have decided to run for student body president.

It may turn out to be a bad/crazy idea...but why not!

I had this thought my first semester as well, but now I'm more prepared (and actually able) to run.

The though occurred to me again today, and let me tell you...I can't get rid of it.

I talked to the current president and he told me about some of the responsibilities and requirements and gave me a general picture of the life of a student body president.

Well, I'm all for it!

I LOVE my school.

I love the people there, even the ones I don't know.

I love the teachers and other faculty and staff.

I love the classes and values taught.

I even love the building itself.

Once I get an idea like this, even I can't convince myself otherwise.

I just feel really good about this.

This wasn't my plan at all.

Last semester wasn't so good, so I for this one I planned to pretty much kill my social life and study till I died.

But I can't shake this thought.

So...I'm not going to.

I'm going to go for it.

What have I got to lose?

All my life, I've stopped myself because of my own fear.

But why?

No more.

I am going to pull a Nike and "Just Do It."

I've got a great team of friends to help me, so with all of us (and some heavenly help), I just might be able to pull this off.

I'm excited, but also quite terrified.

I am not a public speaker.

I am painfully shy.

I also doubt myself a little bit.

Who am I to be in charge of the student council???

I'm not sure.

But, as shy as I am, I love people.

I try to be genuine at all times.

I want to do good in this world.

I want to help others love this school as much as I do.

I want to give back to this school as much as I can because it's changed my life SO much.

So.

Starting now, I am going to be the friendliest, most outgoing, sweetest person this school has ever seen.

Even if it kills me.

Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Right??

So here we go!

P.S.

Happy 18th to me. :D

People never fail to surprise me.

Oh man. What a year!
2010 was hands down the craziest, busiest, most stressful, most awful, most perfect and fun year of my life so far.
I have met so many incredible people, had so many good, bad, and ugly experiences, and learned so much.
Looking back at me exactly a year ago, not much has changed. I was a scared kid leaving home for the first time, anxious about school, and nervous about everything that I could imagine.
Well, one year later, I'm still a kid, still scared, and still nervous.
I've finished my freshman year and I start my sophomore year on my 18th birthday.
To put it lightly, I've grown up a bit this year.
My first semester I was intimidated by everything and I was so not used to being in such a different situation from what I had known.
I was shy, I was naive, and I was a little worry wart haha.
But I blossomed.
I learned so much, and I became more and more comfortable with other people, with school, and most importantly myself.
I got straight A's taking 18 credits, I proved to myself and everyone else that I was competent and I learned what I needed to learn at that time.
Spring/summer came and I had to return home. I was upset because I had wanted to stay and continue my education.
Looking back now, I'm so glad I did come home because I was able to reconnect with and make new wonderful friends with the people in my hometown.
Fall came and I had to leave those wonderful people to return to school.
It was bittersweet because I finally had people to hang out with and I had to leave them.
Fall semester was a toughie. I struggled with my classes and my social life and lots of other things.
I actually failed one of my classes, which is a really hard thing for me because I can look back on my academic life and I can not remember one time ever failing anything. I have just always had an easy time with grades.
But it was a humbling experience that I needed.
Now its winter again and I'm headed back to Utah and school in a few days.
Truth be told I almost don't want to go. I'm nervous. After last semester I'm a lil shaken with my confidence about school and smarts.
I'm going to do so much better this semester. No slacking, and no assuming I'll get a good grade just because I'm showing up to class. I have to do my part and the Lord will take care of the rest.
I'll be back for the summer and I can't wait.
I miss home.
I forget how much I miss it until I come back.
I am loved.
The friends I have don't let me forget that ever.
I'm so grateful for all the people in my life. All I'll ever need to keep going is a hug and a good laugh. The people I call my friends have always and will always provide that for me and I hope to do the same for them.
I'm glad I can depend on people, and that I've learned to trust again.
When I think about how I always imagined my life, there's no way I could ever predict any of the experiences I've had.
As I heard someone describe it in testimony meeting today, life is like a roller coaster with its twists and turns, ups and downs, and scary and fun parts.
I have to agree with him, because I have been on that roller coaster for a few years now ;)
God is good and He always takes care of us. There's nothing that we can do that He hasn't done, there's nothing we can feel that He hasn't felt, and there's no one that can understand us better than Him.
I love my life, I love the unexpected dips and corners it has taken, and especially the people that have gotten on the ride with me.
So here's to a new year and to enjoying it everyday.
Don't forget to smell the roses, and don't forget to let others know how much you love them.
I love all of my people and I thank my God for them.
Let's make 2011 as good as it can be.
In the words of Auntie Mame "Live is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death."
So my last thoughts today would be to live life as much as you can.
FORGIVE.
Love as long as you live and laugh as much as you breath.
Appreciate the souls around you.
Be yourself, and be the best you you can be.
And never forget where it all comes from♥

Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks!!!

So you may have guessed...this semester only has two weeks left!!!
SUCCESS.
I am so ready to have this semester done and over with.
This semester has been a real learning experience in many ways.
Last semester, I had just turned 17, it was my first time away from home, I took 18 credits, and I was so shy. (No really, I was shy.)
I grew SO much during that semester. It was literally the perfect semester for me. I made incredible friends, aced my classes, and proved to myself (and everyone else) that I could handle what came my way in life.
This semester things have not been the same. Not so much.
See, over the summer a lot of things changed. Actually everything changed.
My friendship with my best friend ended.
My other friendships were different because I went home for the summer.
I was by myself at home for most of the summer, while my friends were still in SLC, at camps, working, or other various things.
I was hurting, I was sad, and I felt very alone for several months.
My healing path started when I was forced by my mother to go on a camping trip with my singles ward (what am I, 13??) and I ended up having an incredible time and coming out of my shell.
I made friends with the people that I had been going to church with for two months. I told you...I'm shy!
Anyway, with new friends and things to do...needless to say my summer became exponentially more entertaining.
I was able to connect with people again. For the most part I had been a zombie since I had left SLC, because I wanted to stay there and had a hard time adjusting to what I didn't want.
I'm thankful now for going back and staying the summer because the people I know are amazing, and I love them and they're some of the best people I have ever met. Ever.
Coming back to Salt Lake was difficult for me.
Literally every aspect of my life here had changed.
Many friends were gone, many weren't friends anymore, and others were too busy for me.
My school load was 17 credits but all of the classes were hard and I was unprepared for the workload.
I felt alone, I felt stupid, and I felt overwhelmed.
When the Lord brings us to the floor its so that we can look up and rely on Him again. That's what happened to me this semester.
I have never felt so humbled and so awful in my life. The first two months of the semester I was stuck in zombie mode again. After Nate, my trust was shattered in most people, especially my friends. My first semester I was quite the naive one. I am the type of person that just loves, and I thought that everyone loved me back just as much. Well with many friendships that is true, and those people are still around. But for many others that was/is not true, and I had a hard time dealing with that. In many ways I'm an "all-or-nothing" kind of person.
So coming back this semester I told myself, "Self! I'm not going to trust a single person. I'm going to keep everyone at arm's distance, and I am not going to let myself get hurt again. Things didn't work out last semester by being so open and friendly, so obviously I should just close myself off to all people that know me enough to hurt me." Not true. Closing people off just made it worse, and I sunk into this spiral of destruction.
It wasn't the best semester, it's been hard and horrible, but I've needed it.
I needed the encouragement last semester, and this semester I needed to be humbled and reminded of who really knows whats best for me.
Once you hit rock bottom, the only place you can go is up right? Exactly right.
And I did start back up again.
I can't pinpoint where it changed exactly, but all I know is I'm different. Again. I'm balanced. I was a child last semester, a grumpy and jaded old lady for much of this semester...and now I'm...I'm neither and I'm both. I trust people and I let them in, but I know my limits and I don't abandon them. I'm me. I'm back, but I'm improved.
I'm still learning everyday, and that's good.
I'm happy.
I'm smiling for no reason again, I'm laughing like crazy with people, and I'm just loving my life.
I've healed.
My heart is functioning and beating strong:)
I'm grateful for my loves.
I'm grateful for my family.
I'm grateful for my school.
I'm even grateful for my heinous finance class (which I'm probably failing. I've never failed anything so this pisses me off. But that's a whole nother blog post.)
I'm at peace.
The people that are in my life, whether permanently, briefly, or not at all, they're here for a reason. I'm only beginning to see why some are still here, and why some needed to leave.
But it's ok. Life is as unpredictable as anything, but it's worth every minute.
I would never want to repeat this semester, but I'm glad it happened.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...its never as bad as you think it is. When life gets too hard to stand, fall on your knees and pray. He's your best friend and He will never leave you. People come, people go, but don't ever lose your faith. God is great, love is good, and life is beautiful.
Embrace it.
Smile by Charlie Chaplin, look it up and pay attention to the lyrics. That's helped me through a lot. Trust.

Love,
Someone smiling through life.

My loves.

Some people are blessed to have a best friend. I am blessed to have many. I am going to dedicate a post to each of my best friends. This one goes to Jenni Allene Clark, or as I like to call her...Jennallene.
She is my munchkin friend, she is my Batman fanatic friend, and she is just amazing.
When we hang out, we laugh more than anything, talk about everything, and we're always up to something.
We met in January 2010, in our Communications class and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. We officially introduced ourselves on Monday at FHE. Having not talked much when we met in class Thursday, at first we didn't have much to say. But one thing led to another and we decided to become "gossip buddies" haha, and so we did.
Class on Tuesday was more fun now that we knew each other and it just grew from there. We hung out probably errday that semester after that.
We have been friends through thick and thin and we were even long distance friends for a bit when I went home for the summer and she stayed in Utah.
I watched her entire relationship with Chauncey ( who I call The Chaunce) from the first date, to them becoming engaged, and when they get married (in 78 days, but who's counting??) I will be there causing a ruckus as usual ;)
I love you Jenni Clark. We talk about everything and don't have any problems bickering like sisters sometimes haha. You are the best for advice and I trust you a ton. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. I'm glad we're best friends even though you won't tell me your one awkward story. Phooey. But other than that! You're awesome. You're the best!


I think you're kinda cool...we should be friends or something like that. Ya think?

Some days...

Some days, everything goes just right.
Some days, I get enormous amounts of homework done and I still have time for some social life.
Some days, you wake up happy, you stay happy, and then you go to sleep happy.
Some days, the weather is absolutely horrible...and its ok.
Some days, you have to sit back and count your blessings.Some days, you feel your Savior's love for you, stronger than you can imagine.
Some days, you connect with your friends again.
Some days, you laugh until you cry a little bit.
Some days, you laugh at really inappropriate things.
Some days, you count down until you can see you family again.
Some days, you just want to dance around.

Some days, you can't control your face and keep it from blushing.
Some days, you listen to Vivaldi and don't feel even slightly embarrassed (He's fabulous ok??)
Some days, are just good.

Some days, even if something not so good happens, it still ends perfectly.
Well today has not been one of those days. Its been all of those days. So my advice is don't sit and wait for those "somedays" that might come in the future. Embrace the day you have right now. Make that day the some day that you want. Put some sunshine in the middle of that blizzard. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile, that makes YOU happy. That's my motto for life and it's a good one of I do say so myself. ;)

Love,
A slightly misplaced California girl. :)

(Best thing about Utah though? FALL!)

I think I'm allergic to the human species.

A heart isn't something you just mess with.
Of all the weapons in the world, caring for someone should be the #1.
It's already well known that I don't trust people.
But there's many reasons for that, that people don't know and never will know.
It's days like this that just reaffirm my actions of holding people at arms length.
Because now I'm bitter.
I say I trust you but I really don't because I know in the end everybody leaves.
Sure I trust people, but I don't trust them with much, because I learned the hard way that most people aren't trustworthy at all in in a lot of ways.
So now it's ok to me when someone leaves because chances are I wasn't feeling enough about the friendship to be hurt or sad.
I just shrug my shoulders and write them off.
I don't feel anything about people anymore.
Some might be surprised by this because they feel close to me but chances are I definitely don't feel the same about you.
If we were close you would know.
To those that think they know me, all I can say is that I can fake a smile better than anybody because I've been practicing my whole life.
You don't know anything because frankly I don't want you knowing things about my life, my family, or what's going on in my mind.
I don't care, people have to prove themselves to me.
I haven't cried in over a month...it's probably time for a breakdown soon.
Sadly, this is actually me getting better.
I'm feeling more than I was two months ago.
It's just one day at a time, baby-steps.
But today my wall flew back up faster than you can say horchata.
I'm back to a zero-emotions zombie.
People can tell when my wall first goes back up but they can't tell when it goes down.
If I start trusting just one person, I ease up a little with everyone else.
But then that person breaks that trust and screws it up for the others.
So many people tell me they don't know how I can go around not trusting anyone or that I should just suck it up and let people in.
I avoid closeness because I have to. It's my survival instinct. I can't just 'suck it up' because its so much more than that.
Yeah. I'm messed up. But I'm dealing with it. I'm getting better. I'm not good yet and maybe I'll never fully be back to the childlike naivete I have had for much of my life...but that's my problem. Not yours. So don't try and fix me with all the problems you have yourself.
You can't change the past.
You can't change other people.
You can't change anything about me.
You can only change yourself.
So while I work on myself, you work on you and we'll get along just fine.