I want.

I want a man that puts his arm around me in church.
I want a man that plays with my hairs.
I want a man that doesn't get butthurt over anything really.
I want a man that protects me & our childrens.
I want a man that thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but doesn't put me on a ridiculous pedestal.
I want a man with endless patience. With me, with our kids, with the world in general.
I want a man that takes care of me & our family spiritually & physically.
I want a man that is my best friend.
I want us to be a team.
I want us to complement each others strengths.
I want a guy that is everything good my dad is, & everything else he is not.
I want to be so good to him.
I want to love him with everything I am.
I want to curl up next to him & hear his hopes & dreams.
I want us to make each other better.
I want to deserve him, in the best way.

You.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Growing pains

I have the innate ability to offend people.

I always have.

Throughout my life I have had the tendency to unceremoniously shove my feet in my mouth. Sometimes both at once.

I kind of feel that I have loved and lost more people than the average person.

I'm not complaining, I'm just stating statements.

I've never been the favorite of people, and thats ok.

I have the problem of loving people too much.

Ilove with my entire soul.

My problem is, 90% of people don't feel the same towards me.

Another problem with shoving my foot in my mouth is that I tend to hurt most the peple I love the most.

I'm a champion at ruining friendships.

But, I feel that the Lord gives us strengths and weaknesses in this life to help us work hard and become like Him.

If we had only strengths, what good would we be?

We would never learn a thing, because we wouldn't have to.

With only strengths to speak of, there would be nothing to overcome.

There would be no "character-building" episodes so to speak.

Weaknesses keep us humble. They give us reminders to go to Him and ask for help.

Well, I'm feeling pretty humbled right now, I tell ya.

I don't know why I wasn't given a different weakness to work through.

Like, being too shy to speak my mind, or being dyslexic, or unable to spell anything.

Frankly, I could see myself working through those challenges and making them strengths.

Not that they're easy things to deal with, but I know I was given this weakness fr a reason.

Jus when I think I'm getting better with not pissing people off, I am proven wrong.

Even with people I consider best friends.

I literally can't count the people that I have offended in some way, that refuse to speak to me any more.

People often think I'm joking when I ask what I did to hurt them, but honestly, I am the thickest dunce with these things.

Obviously.

I really, truly, do not set out to hurt anyone.

I know what its like.

I know what shunning feels like.

I know what teasing feels like.

I know what cruelty feels like.

I know I'm not the nicest girl in the world, but I give everybody a chance dang it.

I don't give up on people.

I'm stubborn to a fault caring about people.

Over the past few years I have become more reserved and less "insta-love" with people, simply because I have been hurt so much.

I should learn to stop putting my heart out there for people, but I do anyway.

I'm a lover, even if people don't realize it.

But, instead of cutting people off (like I always vow to) I relearn the lesson of love them anyway.

I believe in second chances like I believe in sunsets.

I've tried cutting myself off from others, but that doesn't bring anything good.

So if I say something offensive or sarcastic, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to hurt, and I don't often realize when I do.

I love people, I do.

Just please be patient with me.

I don't mean half of what I say, and my sense of humor usually gets me in trouble.

I care about my friends and family with all that I am, not just my heart or other internal organs.

So remember that.

I will give anyone a chance to be my friend.

Just let me be your friend in return.

Love, Ducky

Don't piss me off.

Really? REALLY?

That's all I have to say to you right now.

Actually no, there's more.

Where the hell do you get off?

I'll tell you what you should get off.

That high horse you're on right now?

I'd like to be there when you fall from it.

How dare you?

How dare you?

We've been through so much together.

So much friendship in a year.

And now, in the blink of an eye it's gone?

I don't freakin think so.

Way to abandon me you whores.

I'm 18.

I'm dumb.

I make mistakes.

I make one mistake in particular and you just cut me off?

Like it was even that bad?

It was a freakin joke!

You know me well enough (or at least I thought you did) to know I'm not sitting here trying to offend you and shock you.

What the hell?!

Honestly, if you're willing to delete me off FB for something so minor, your friendship isn't really worth renewing for me.

Btw, OH. That was REALLY hard for me to deal with. I mean you sure showed me! That was SO tough of you to delete me off FB. I'm sure you were as wracked with guilt over that as I was writhing with pain over not getting your combined 800+ posts blowing up my newsfeed all day everyday.

Actually, you know what?

I want to thank you.

You made me really see who I should keep close.

Because in the end? You are obviously all talk.

Real, TRUE, friends don't dump their friends at mistakes.

Especially! Such a stupid little thing!!!

I sent that to a crapload of people, and you two were the ONLY ones offended.

Everyone else took it as a joke, laughed, deleted it, and moved on.

But no.

You two have to call me, tell me it's inappropriate, and sit there and yes, sound like my mothers that I didn't know I had.

I'm not sending you these things everyday, every week, or ever actually.

It was a ONE TIME THING.

So basically, suck it right now.

You have successfully pissed me off with your blindness, immaturity, and holier-than-thou attitudes.

To put it frankly, you can't judge me, you haven't lived my life.

I actually don't regret sending you that.

Because honestly, if you are such pansy flakes, I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE.

PEACE.

If I die young

This week has been interesting for me.
I was feeling a little down on myself, questioning my place in this world.
Kind of one of those weeks of, "If I wasn't here, no one would even miss me. I am alone."

Well folks, I was proven dead wrong.
I feel like the Lord has been showing his love for me through others.
I was told by several different people that I am not only their best friend, but I am their only friend.
These are people that I would never guess that about, considering how often I see them with other people, laughing, joking, having a great time, etc.
But when I was alone with them, they revealed that they really didn't consider those people their friends like they considered me.
When you're down and feeling low, you tend to focus on yourself more than you should. I am the Queen of pity parties. Oh yeah, trust.
But to have two of the people I love most, let me know how much I mean to them, I felt so humbled.
I had another friend tell me how glad she is that we met, and wishes that we could have met earlier.

It was a lesson I won't soon forget.
The Lord loves me.
He sent me these people to take care of me.
I needed that reminder of my importance.
My influence is bigger than I can even imagine, because I don't ever notice it.
But I want to be that much nicer to people now.
I want to be there for people, and be a good friend on purpose.

Also, I am continuing my streak of "Just Do It" activities.
I am getting my spunk and using it!
I asked a great guy to my schools formal, I gave a note to a handsome guy in one of my classes (telling him I think he's handsome), I finally wrote to Taylor (and he wrote me back, eeeeek!! :D), and I plan on singing in the final talent show for my school.
I don't have a good solo voice, but I have an excellent back up singer voice. So I will be singing with two of my friends that have all around amazing voices. Well if the plan works out we'll be singing haha.
Plus, I'm playing piano again. And I'm in love with it again. It makes me happy, and I have missed it more than I thought possible.

Also, I'm so in love with Justin Bieber! He's the freaking cutest thing ever! Such a doll. Yes, I did see his movie on Valentines day. Even if you hate him, you've got to have mad respect for him and his journey.

Oh just go watch it.
You won't regret it!
Bieber aside, it's a dang cool movie. Period.

Well, I have to go finish homework and stuff. And go to my friends house and watch a movie, eat crepes, and cry over John Keats. Oh yeah.

Ducky

P.S.!
I'm half brunette now. I had some fun with my first hair color experience. Even if my dad did say I look like a raccoon. Dang. Ahahahaa:)

Stop This Train.

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

(think I got 'em now)

This song is the theme song of my life right now. John Mayer is pretty much the love of my life. I haven't gotten tired of this song and I've been listening to it for awhile now. At this point in my life I am sometimes intimidated by the thought of getting older and making decisions. I often want to go back to my childhood for as long as I can. I feel like I have no business growing up. Who am I to run my own life? That's a lot of responsibility!
At the same time, I feel like the moments I have each day make me a better, stronger, and happier person. So, I'm not stopping this train. I'm not going to change the place I'm in (unless it's a bad place of course) and I'm going to enjoy these moments even more.
I'm growing everyday, with my Father's help, and learning of His plan and His Gospel.
I'm thankful for so much.
Also, I'm pretty excited for something tomorrow. I'll let you know what it is, when I know the answer.
AND, Friday I find out the election results for Student Council. Wish me luck!

Love,
Ducky

It's funny.

So today, I was reminded of you. I was rereading a post directed towards you, and I was hit with a memory I hadn't recalled before.

It was the end of the semester, probably one of the last two weeks of school, and for some reason we both didn't have class.

We hadn't been able to hang out for a few days (which was a really big deal because we saw each other everyday but Sunday) and so we met up.

I think we were going to go to the cafe to get some food and it wasn't open yet or something.

Anyway, we were walking past that open auditorium thing place, and the sun was shining bright in the late afternoon, it was warm and beautiful, we were laughing about something like we always did, and we decided to just sit on the grass and enjoy this moment.

So we did.

We laid there in the sun and talked and laughed more.

You kept putting grass on me, and I kept laughing and smacking you for it.

I remember rolling up my pants so I could get a tan going.

It was a happy, blissful, even perfect moment.

Even when "Loser Face" walked by and you wanted to go punch him, it wasn't a problem.

We talked about that situation, about me being stood-up by him, and how even though you were still heated about it, that I was fine with him and the whole thing.

I don't honestly remember what we did after, whether you went home or we went to go get food. I don't think this was the same day we went to Applebee's for food.

I'm having mixed feelings writing this post. I know you'll never see it, but I need it to be said.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I did to be so cut out of your life.

I don't even know what I could've done to stop this from ending.

We had a magic friendship.

I can't believe we actually talked so recently.

I added you, to extend the olive branch.

I'm not angry or hurt or upset anymore, but I guess you are.

I added, you accepted, I wrote on your wall, you wrote on mine, I wrote again, you deleted me.

Sorry bout it!

You know what's funny?

I'm not even upset about it.

I don't need you in my life, and you obviously don't want me in yours.

So, I have learned my lesson.

I will not try to restore this friendship again.

I honestly just wanted you to know that I wasn't holding a grudge and I was ready to make up.

Oh well.

You made it clear that that wasn't an agreeable position for you.

What's sad is how even though I'm no longer bothered by you or anything that happened, I actually still am.

See, there's this boy.

He's a great guy.

He's funny, he's charming, he sings, he's spiritual, and so many other things.

Except every, single, thing...reminds me of you.

Literally.

I will say that I think he's actually handsome.

He's all these great things, and I can't find it in me to be his friend.

Everything about him screams your name.

Poor kid doesn't stand a chance.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing for him, regardless of what he looks like.

I'm just frustrated that I can't hang out with him without wanting to leave, because I feel like I'm hanging out with you again.

I feel really awkward around him and I feel like he's sketchy, simply because I feel like he's you all over again.

So basically, I am stuck right now.

I'm not letting him be my friend because I don't want to get hurt like that again.

But ultimately, he's not you.

He's not gonna hurt me, because I'm not going to have the same friendship with him that I had with you.

I am in control of me.

I am the master of my fate.

I have GUTS.

You haven't crushed me at all.

I hope you saw that for the two weeks we were FB friends again.

I honestly wish you luck in whatever you pursue.

I'm such a stronger person than I was when I knew you.

I'm not scared anymore.

I'm doing good.

I'm happy, and I can't hide it.

And it's not because I've met a wonderful guy that doesn't remind me of you at all, it's because I'm not dependent on you, him, or anyone else for my happiness or success.

I depend on me, and I never let myself down.

I depend on God, and He never lets anyone down. Ever.

I know where true happiness comes from, and where I can have those happy, blissful, perfect moments all the time.

I know where I've come from, I know where I am, and I know where I want to go. Where I plan on going.

I've got big dreams, kid.

And I'M making them come true.

Mega-funk.

Thursday, February 11, 2011 was a day of lows and highs.

I gave my speech to the student body telling them why I would like to become their president.

I felt like I was on top of the world.

I was running around on this insane energy high.

It wasn't until Friday that I was informed that my last grandparent, Dell LeRoy Bunnell had passed away just a few hours before my speech.

I feel as though I've been stuck in a mega-funk since then.

I don't want to do my homework, I don't want to be in Salt Lake, and I don't even care about my campaign right now.

I just want to be with my family and talk to my parents and to my nephew.

This is something that hit me very hard.

I didn't expect it to effect me so much.

My grampa had been "dying" for the past two years, but always, always, always, pulled through.

My dad's dad passed away before I was even born, so I really only ever knew Grampa Dell.

I feel like with him gone, my link to my past is gone.

All of my grandparents are gone.

My parents have no parents anymore.

Of course I knew this day would come, but I was so not prepared for it.

I am surprised by how intense this wave of grief has hit me.

It's still sinking in.

I'm thankful for my friends that kept me occupied and made sure I wasn't alone.

I hate being at the age I am right now, because it's only going to get worse.

With the good comes the bad.

I realized that I am at the age where all my friends are getting married, a lot of them are having babies, and others are moving to other colleges far away from me.

Also, as I'm getting older, I'm seeing family and friends pass away.

I'm seeing things end.

I'm watching things fall apart.

It's remarkable that any of us stay sane if you think about it.

But this is life.

The human spirit is a force to be reckoned with.

Horrible things happen to wonderful people, and they still manage to not only move on, but to leave things better than they found them.

I'm ending this with the obituary my mother wrote.

My grampa was freakin legit.

I love you grampa, I miss you, and I wish for so many things to have been different.

Rest in peace.

Dell LeRoy Bunnell died Thursday, February 10, 2011, in Las Vegas, Nevada, from causes incident to age. He wanted his body donated to science. A celebration of his life will be held later this year.
Born September 27, 1928, in Vineyard, Utah, (now Orem), he was the youngest of eight children born to Thomas Joel Bunnell and Zelda Holdaway. Preceded in death by his parents, siblings Dean, Jesse, Neal, and Grace, (survived by sisters Eva, Marjorie, and Helen), sons Thomas Dell and Gregory Lee, as well as two grandsons, Tracy Allen Bunnell, and James Dell Nielson.
Dell was the last child born in the "Pioneer" house on the family farm that became the campus of Utah Valley University. He helped his father harvest produce and sell fruit from their orchard. After his father died when he was 12, Dell quit school in eighth grade. As a young teen, he went to the San Francisco Bay Area with a friend, earning money by washing windows.
Returning to Utah, he met his wife from the seat of his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Later divorced. Father of six children, thirteen grandchildren, twenty two great-grandchildren (and counting), one step-granddaughter, four step-great-grandchildren.
He worked as a laborer, later as a long-distance truck driver, eventually owning his own truck. In an effort to work closer to home, Dell moved the family from Provo to Los Banos, California in 1964, where he became an Operating Engineer-as a crane operator-participating in the construction of the vital, life-giving California Aqueduct. They moved north to Meadow Vista, California, in 1965, for him to help build the Auburn Dam. Because that was never built, Dell commuted daily to San Francisco for several years; logged the area later covered by Lake of the Pines; drove the huge earth movers to construct the I-80 interstate freeway; operated the cable-way bucket which poured the cement to raise the Bullard's Bar dam 700 feet, and built the 900 feet tall cement bridge abutments for the Auburn-Forest Hill road bridge, among many other construction jobs. He was good at his work, and loved heavy construction. During the few times in winters he was briefly out-of-work, he put on and removed vehicle snow chains at the base of the Sierra Nevada foothills on I-80.
Due to his extraordinary work ethic, skill in and willingness to operate all types of heavy equipment, from the mighty (prestigious) 300+ foot cranes all the way down to the (sometimes considered) 'lowly' cherry picker, Dell was often the first one hired, and the last one laid off every construction job. He operated tall cranes during the construction of the Huntington, Castle Dale and Delta, Utah power plants, which supplied electric power, especially to California.
A gifted operator who excelled in operating all 37 types of heavy equipment, and a life-long passionate teacher of his trade, Dell was hired to teach how to run heavy equipment at the AFL-CIO Local 3 Operating Engineers' Training School southeast of Sacramento, California, in Murietta, California, in spite of not having a high school diploma, replacing the teacher who originally was hired ahead of him. His manual dexterity and intuitive equipment mastery were unsurpassed. However, cluster headaches, and difficulty with the heavy paper-workload drove him from his respected position. It was hard to stop the work he loved. He retired reluctantly, to spend his last years living in St. George, Utah, until his last illnesses. He loved the hot weather, never forgetting the frost bite he suffered working as a young man in the snows of Montana.
A strikingly handsome man, Dell had black wavy hair and deep blue eyes, and small yet muscular build. His quick wit, easy smile, endless energy and charm earned him the nickname of "Easy", as in easy-to-get-along-with. Often helpful to the down-trodden, he taught his children to care for the poor and the needy, always to feel another's pain. He took the seats out of his plane to life-flight the critically injured to Salt Lake City critical care hospitals from Huntington.
Dell worked hard and he played hard. He was a fabulous dancer and loved to dance all his life. Motorcycles were always part of his life. The steep hill in Meadow Vista where he taught his (terrified) children to drive both motorcycles and cars will not soon be forgotten. A fearless man, he built an 18-foot cabin cruiser ski boat from a kit when his children were little, then taught them all how to water ski. Dell loved life and loved doing active sports, teaching them all to his children: skating, ice skating, water skiing, inner-tubing (no money for snow skiing), camping, picnicking, fishing, hunting, motorcycling, horses, bicycles, games, sports, they did it. He earned his GED (General Education Diploma) in spite of his reading problems. He bought an airplane--eventually he owned four--and earned his pilot's license in his late thirties. Flying was what he loved to do more than anything.
His wonderful legacy of strong work ethic, ability to play and his sense of humor has passed through the lives of his numerous descendants. If only all children had such good fortune.
Dell cherished education. For anyone wanting to remember his name, he would be pleased if you contributed to your education charity of choice, or to LDS Business College, which his grandchild attends, LDS Philanthropies, LDS Perpetual Education Fund, LDS Humanitarian Fund, Al Anon, or practice "Paying it Forward" as you see fit.

There's so many things to say.

Mostly, I just wish things had been different and that we would've been as close as I wanted, as close as I needed.

But you can't change the past.

I just have to make sure that my children and grandchildren know how much they mean to me, and that I spend as much time with them as I can.

Appreciate the people in your life, because you never know when those moments and opportunities to show your love will end.

Ducky